Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Repeat. After. Me | The Male Perspective

I have a friend who is as smart and successful as he is hilariously funny and good-looking. He is the type of man that looks so perfect and "plastic" that everyone, male or female, always assumes he is gay. He claims not to be, but it is none of my (or anyone else's) business. He always reminds me of Barbie's Ken, so let's give him this nickname, o.k. So, Ken and I work in the same building and occasionally have lunch or a coffee, bitch about people we both know and laugh a lot. He once had the dubious privilege of comforting me when I was very upset indeed (reading my recent posts should have given you an idea that I tend to have emotional meltdowns occasionally) and I appreciate his nice ("Listen, there are great men out there who would kill for someone like you." Raaajt. But where the F are they hiding?!), but brutally honest advice. It is particularly interesting to hear what his take on relationships and courtship is.
Yesterday morning we had a breakfast date and since we hadn't properly talked for almost half a year he wanted to know what was up job- and relationship-wise. Of course I told him about having been dumped unceremoniously and my crushed ego. After about 2 sentences he rolled his eyes dramatically and said "Will you pass me that bucket over there, girl. I think I need to puke". This is exactly why I like him and value his opinion. At the end of his little sermon, I just said "Yes, Daddy. Amen." as he sounded just like my Mum.
So, his advice in a nutshell - nothing new and depressingly "primeval" and sobering:
1. Never show you are interested and eager. Ever.
2. Always (even if not true) make it clear that you have "other options" and don't need the guy. At all.
3. Never EVER invite him back to your place early in the courtship (oops)  as this clearly gives the (wrong) signal that you are serving yourself on plate. Least of all sleep with him before at least date Nr. 5. Unless you just want a f***buddy.
4. If he shows even the slightest signs of cooling off or not being interested after all, back off immediately and cut off all contact. Right now.
5. Men will tell/promise you ANYthing to get you into bed and keep you "on standby". Sigh.
Now excuse me while I just retreat to the kitchen to stab myself with a blunt fork...


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