Monday, October 14, 2019

Uncertainty

Last week, I attended a two-day team offsite. One central topic was a pending reorganisation of our team and there were a lot of open questions as well as tension and scepticism. Each feedback round initiated by the facilitators revealed that (the majority of) people wanted more structure and clarity. It really was interesting for me to observe as I did not share these sentiments at all. I don't know if it is due to the fact that my priorities are even less at work at the moment than they usually are, or it is because I used to work in an environment that was waaay more fast-paced, where I experienced more reorgs than I can remember. Be that as it may, I felt like the odd one out (as I often do) and almost a little ashamed of my "couldn't-care-less" attitude. I'm not quite certain if it is a manifestation of that "adaptability" strength that I apparently have, or just shows that I am more superficial and shallow than I would like to admit. Be that as it may, I do think that I actually thrive and perform better when I don't know all the details and there are certain blank spots that I get to fill myself. 
In my private life, while I value spontaneity and (happy) surprises, I definitely don't enjoy uncertainty to the same degree...quite the opposite!

Monday, October 07, 2019

So Happy for You!

This was probably the one sentence I have heard most often in the past few weeks when I told friends and family about my recent change in relationship status. Many, but not all of them knew the full extent of the ups and downs (mostly the latter) of recent years and wanted to let me know they thought it was only fair that I got "rewarded" by experiencing Nice & Normal for a change. It really, really makes me happy that my friends seem genuinely happy for me! Obviously, I wish all of them the very best, too and always articulate it when the occasion arises, but it feels so nice to be on the receiving end of this and be reminded that, yep, it can be so easy and you deserve it.
Which brings me to the fact that I obviously am less good a friend to myself that the others are as I still occasionally catch myself veering towards panic mode and wondering whether I ought to stay alert and not allow myself to believe that "all's good" since that only ever happens to other people. The rational part of me knows of course that nobody is guaranteed their happy ending and everyone's trust can be betrayed, but whether they enjoy the moment or not is in their hands. So, cheers to myself!

Monday, September 30, 2019

Adrenaline


I am not usually a forgetful or scatter-brained person at all. Unless that is, when I am extremely preoccupied with something, be it positive or negative. Last Monday, I shopped for some groceries at a supermarket on my way home and distributed the things I had bought between my handbag and the tote bag in which I carried my laptop. As I was repacking, I also put my key into my laptop bag. Once I got home, I dumped the laptop bag on the floor and reached for my handbag where my phone was. Only to find it was not there. As in: it was not in my flat. As in: I had left it behind either in the supermarket or the tram on my way home. P-A-N-I-C! My bag contained my money, cards, IDs, the cinema tickets for that night, my private and work phones, my ID card for work...you name it. I felt sick. I tried to think about the past 10-15 minutes since I had left the supermarket. I remembered that I had not sat down in the tram (it is only two stops) so it was unlikely that I would have placed my shoulder bag on the floor. I must have left it in the supermarket checkout area. I grabbed my keys and literally ran back there. I don't run/jog for fun ever but adrenaline got me going and I arrived there panting in what felt like 3 minutes later. No bag. I approached the cashier and asked her. She reached behind her chair and handed me my bag, asking me if I wanted to check if everything was inside, which it was. I was incredibly thankful and relieved. Also, I spent the next 20 minutes coughing and with burning lungs. All of the things inside were only of material value and could easily have been replaced, but the inconvenience would have been such a pain. Cancelling all my bank cards, getting my cards reissued, filing a ticket for my work phone and ID and applying for new ones. Trying to think of a way to reach Highflyer with whom I had arranged to go to the cinema.
Eventually, it was a good lesson in being a bit a lot more present even if I'm still floating on Cloud Nine. Also - and this may well feel childish - I felt rewarded by Karma or whatever you want to call it for generally being a nice person.

Monday, September 23, 2019

It Takes Two

These past weeks I've been happy to a degree I seriously didn't know was possible. I felt like somebody who just had a cataract operation and can now see vibrant colours again. I am so filled with warm and fluffy emotions I am sometimes scared I might explode any minute from not being able to contain it all.  I've decided not to let my precious unicorn go anywhere anytime soon and it seems he's fine with that. Oh, and he needs an alias here. "Highflyer" comes to mind, so we'll call him that.
After a lot of (mostly unnecessary) drama in the past 10 plus years of my life, I realised already a while ago that I am SO done with emotional abuse and investing energy in selfish people whose interest in me is temporary if that. I am fully aware of the fact that I was a more or less willing accomplice in a great portion of that drama and have nobody else to blame for playing along, but myself. Let's call it a learning curve and something I had to experience in order to figure out what I want and need, if only by negative definition at first. It is so easy to label ourselves as a victim and deny any responsibility for feeling miserable and depressed. I learnt the hard way that all I needed was a change of MY mindset and definition of MY boundaries in order to escape from the vicious circle. Basically, I should have taken to heart the message of a t-shirt I bought 8 years ago. As crazy as it sounds: perhaps a few years ago I might not have been ready for somebody who makes me profoundly happy and who not only appreciates but reciprocates what I feel for him. But now I am and that's why my happiness level is 11 on a scale of 10.

Monday, September 16, 2019

The Place Where We Belong. Or Don't

At the moment, I am feeling quite content with the job I have and the work I do. I'm even starting to feel a tiny little bit of belonging. I know, now I've said it.  Even more importantly, I really get on well with most of my immediate colleagues and even though Bestie Boy has just left the company I don't feel I'll be lonely there, the way I felt at the Firm when the Empress went to Paris or the Gazelle went on maternity leave and I felt quite deflated. Metaphorically, you could say I am slowly starting to unpack my carry-on suitcase at the office, no longer feeling I should not get too comfortable there. Well, also literally, my locker suggests that I have already dumped a lot of stuff there, too.
Myself aside, I know of some seriously unhappy bunnies who feel frustrated, unvalued or hard done by for a variety of very valid reasons. Last week I talked to several friends who'd leave their current job today rather than tomorrow if something suitable came up. Despite the fact that I am quite happy now, I can immediately relate and it makes me sad and furious at the same time. We spend so much time every day at work (or if we work remotely, at least "with work") and it is just awful to feel miserable all those hours. I know of some men who feel like this as well and suspect a few more to be in this situation, but it is mostly women who are vocal about it and/or show the signs most. Yes, it is our own decision if we want to stick it out and decide to stay, or leave, but sometimes we are just too deep in it in order to be able to pull ourselves out of it and even see all the other options and opportunities. Hating your job or even worse, having the nagging feeling that you are hated at your job is beyond horrible and nobody deserves to feel like this unless they are a nasty bully themselves. If you are reading this and feel like you are trapped in a hellish work situation, just remember that you can walk away with your head held high and unless you have sold your soul to the company, it is only a job and you can find another, better one, even if it might take a little time.

Monday, September 09, 2019

The Unicorn

There are some things you need to experience yourself in order to believe in them. Like finding a fulfilling job in a team of lovely people who totally swim on your wavelength, with a manager as an added bonus who appreciates you and the work you do.
Sometimes these manifestations are very trivial, like actually finding that perfect pair of jeans that is both comfortable and makes you look like a long-legged goddess.
Sometimes they are way more profound and almost come as a shock to somebody whom (recent) experience has taught to be cautious and always expect the very worst: finding somebody who ticks all the boxes, says all the right things and does not play games, but makes you feel secure and wanted. It sounds so simple and obvious, but it is not and you are almost afraid to blink and break the spell.

Monday, September 02, 2019

Time

I think we can all vividly remember what a "stretchy" concept time seemed when we were children. The hours between lunchtime and dinner on Christmas Eve: ENDLESS! Enduring a boring church service (or even a regular school day): NEVERENDING. Summer holidays: WAY TOO SHORT! Despite the fact that years have zoomed by since then at the speed of light, not much has changed. A day in the office filled by procrastinating boring and/or unpleasant tasks can feel like an eternity while spending time with someone you love seems to go by in a heartbeat. When you are looking forward to a certain event in the future, you (at least I do) want to have a big magic "fast forward" button that you can press in order to have that moment arrive immediately. Well, either that, or teleportation. At the moment I find myself in exactly that situation: waiting for a day to arrive and the time until then feels as endless, with days stubbornly stretching like stale chewing gum...
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