It's been 50 days

.... since I split up with TD. It was one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, decisions of my life and the first time I actually broke up with someone. I don't regret it, though, and deep down I know that it was the right decision, but apart from having to hurt someone you still love it also means burying all the dreams of a future together you once had. Eleven years are a long time and we've shared lots of beautiful moments together. He knows things about me nobody else knows, helped me overcome all sorts of crises and gave me many things I longed for. Most of all, he gave me lots of love and affection. I refuse to think of those years as a waste of time.

It took me a long time to realise that gradually our relationship had drifted into a direction I was not happy about, that I had slowly - or perhaps not so slowly after all - taken on far too many responsibilities for my liking. Ultimately, that I couldn't see any perspective.

I've deliberated for a long time and in retrosepct probably should have ended things earlier but deep down I was a coward and kept hoping that a Plan B was going to materialise, the way you don't quit a job unless you have another, more glamorous one, lined up. Well, first of all, that would probably have hurt TD even more and second - no such Plan B, alas.

He still hasn't moved out from my place which is making things rather difficult. No, make that VERY difficult. There are no fights, there are no loud words, we're very civil to each other, but it's putting a lot of strain on me and it's very confusing to suddenly have to switch from lovers to mere flatmates.

I really hope that we'll manage to stay friends and that eventually we'll both find partners we are happy with and who make us happy. Secretly, I think the two of us are too similar in many respects and therefore stagnated in this relationship. I'm a hopeless romantic as much as I am a pessimist (who's convinced she'll die lonely and have her decomposed body discovered by neighbours who barely know her name) and do hope that "somewhere out there" the ONE will be waiting for me.

My friends have been wonderful and bravely put up with my mood-swings. I sometimes get a bad attack of "bridgetjonesiness" when I feel the odd one out among smug marrieds and happy parents. (see pessimist above). Scary, life. An Irish friend of mine recently sent me a card with the following quote by "unkwnown" which I have decided to make my new mantra and which adorns the wall behind my desk here at the office:

everything will be okay in the end.

if it's not okay, it's not the end.