Push and Pull

Last Friday was Valentine's Day and I got these beautiful flowers from Highflyer, together with a mug and card. More than anything I was happy that he remembered the day as I'm usually the one to remind him of any important dates, appointments and things to get done. It's not at all about having lowered the bar, but about being 100% comfortable in a relationship and feeling appreciated without having to nudge, drop hints or nag. Highflyer often points out how I "did everything right" in the early days of our relationship in the sense of not pushing him or wanting too much too soon and every time he says that I think back to my younger self, in particular to that decade post leaving Mr TD when I didn't do myself any favours by wanting too much from men who were not willing or able to give it to me and feeling incredibly disappointed when I didn't get what I expected when I expected it and even got accused of being needy and dependant, which in hindsight I was...both. 

When Highflyer compares me to his (last) ex who he felt cornered by and forced to do things he didn't want to commit to, I always feel sympathy for her because I definitely have been in her shoes, half-aware of this "wrong person, wrong time" scenario myself, but half deciding to block it out and soldier on anyway. I'm probably going to come across all self-help book, but it really seems like we push people away by wanting too much too soon from them, only realising when it's the RIGHT person that no pushing needs to be done at all and they are more than willing and eager to pull us to them without any strategy or effort needed on our part. Some people already learn this in their twenties, others only in their late forties, but better late than never, I suppose.

 

Following Suit

I worked at the Firm for a decade and until recently considered it the one employer I felt most loyal to. I still use and recommend its products and consider my time there as incredibly rewarding, both inancially and as far as personal development is concerned. Recently I was shocked to learn that, as an American corporation, it more or less threw its core values overboard overnight and, judging from headlines, not only pressed the "stop" button on DEI initiatives, but pretty much sold its soul to the devil aka the new US administration. Maybe I was naive to assume that ethics > opportunism, but I definitely was shocked and disenchanted when I realised to which degree not only this company, but so many others flipped the switch to a new normal that seems like the worst of the 1950s.

 

Hasty Judgement

Long-time readers know - most likely from my Empress-appreciation-post - that I tend to make hasty judgements and more often than not end up reversing them months, or sometimes years, later. Case in point, my most recent manager who has now left the company with the end of January. While I took an instant dislike to her after first meeting her and she and her leadership style almost made me leave the company myself, pre-Pandemic, she really grew on me over the years and I think the feeling was mutual. I often complained about her and eyed everyone who praised her with suspicion for years, but in the grand scheme of things and my retrospective ranking of all the people managers I have had in my career she doesn't score so badly at all. Our team's new manager should be announced within a few weeks and I am now curious whether history is about to repeat itself or whether the opposite might be the case, i.e. that I initially like them and then change my mind and end up despising them. We shall see.

Don't Wait

For most of my adult life I've had this "carpe diem" attitude and the older I get the more confirmation I get to not postpone things - be it major bucket list items, or small things - into the too distant future if you can do/buy/achieve them in the near future. I was very shocked when I found out last week that a colleague (whom I more or less only knew by name) had died of a cerebral hemorrhage aged 53 in the middle of Christmas dinner with her family. Apart from the fact that Christmas will probably forever remain associated with this horrible event for the husband and son she leaves behind, I am pretty sure this woman had many plans and things to look forward to. I don't know if I will meet a similar fate or get run over by a bus tomorrow, but I do know that the inclination to save "good things" like their finest clothes tableware or crockery for special occasions like some of my elder relatives used to do puzzled me even as a child. Even deciding to keep the good things for the next generation is not the smartest idea because unless it is a universally acknowledged timeless piece that defies any trends, chances are high that it won't be appreciated and get thrown away as junk. So: wear your favourite clothes going to the supermarket, book the crazy trip you had wanted to do when you're retired and do all the other things tomorrow rather than "later" if you already have the time and money for them now!

 

A Lesson in Humility

We've all heard the saying that when you don't listen to your body it will punish you by pulling the emergency brake whether this be at a convenient time or not. Well, I'm essentially a (semi-proud) card-carrying member of of the "pulling through" and "let's just pretend everything is fine and carry on" school of denial, but the pace and programme of this past weekend (that I had several lovely things planned for including two birthday celebrations) was 100% dictated by some killer flu bag that rendered me incapable of doing much else than vegetate either on the sofa or in the bed. Boring and unproductive af, but much needed apparently. I can't remember the last time I had a cold of some sort when I didn't still feel energetic enough to work (at home, of course) do household chores and everything else where I wouldn't pass on my bugs to anyone else. This time, not so much and I had symptoms that I last remember having as a child (hello, aching joints and...ear-ache?!). In comparison, three Covid-19 infections combined were a walk in the park and if I had a mortal enemy, I'd wish this thing upon them to strike them down.

Slow Start

While media promotes the ideal of "New Year, New Me!", giving advice on how to optimise yourself, mind, body and all and how to jump into the new year full of energy, reality at the office (at least mine) is very different in the first post-Christmas-vacation work week in January. Everybody's attitude, my own included, is more like "physical presence must suffice for now, I'll start FOR REAL next week, okay?" It's incredible how fast you fall into the lazy vacation groove and how quickly you forget things. I had a brief moment of panic on my last day off what the SIM card pin of my work phone was as I don't usually ever switch if off. It did come to me in time, but for a moment, my mind was completely blank. I guess it's a good sign when you are able to switch off and recharge completely...it's just the switching-back-on part that's a bit strenuous...

New/Old Routine

Up until 2018, I would not take any leave in the first week of January, preferring to a) save those precious days for summer vacation or other holiday projects and b) quite enjoying the quiet first work days of the year when you had time for some overdue admin tasks and got to enjoy long lunches with the few colleagues who also worked. The I met Highflyer who is originally from Innsbruck and most of his family still live there. We have never been able to spend Christmas together as he has always had to work anyway so ever since 2019 I would spend about 10 days at my parents, celebrating Christmas with them, then driving back to Vienna to unpack and repack and then take the train to Innsbruck for at least a week of quality time with Highflyer and the bonus sons, not returning to work until after the January 6th public holiday. By the time I leave for Vienna, or rather the house in Lower Austria, I'm always shocked how quickly time has passed and a bit sad to leave my parents again, but always looking forward to be reunited with my love...and be back in my own routines without my decisions being questioned by my mother who has an opinion on everything and is not shy to voice it, even if it is sugar-coated by a "you do your own thing, but if I were you..." as probably most mothers have learnt at some state in their secret Mum Bootcamp. The older they get, the more grateful I am to still be able to celebrate Christmas with my parents and the more forgiving and "deaf" I become to comments and habits that would have annoyed me much more a few decades ago.